Blackwater Fever

I think this is supposed to lampoon Blackwater-types, but as far as I can tell much of it is dead-on.  It's been circulating around message boards where merc-types hang and thought I would pass it on:

Blackwater Fever

A common disease among IC working in Iraq, Afghanistan and various other 3rd world hellholes. Frequently attacks young men with only 1 war or enlistment under their belt, State Dept agents, Former LEOs, anyone associated with an Ambassadors detail and occasional posers. BKWF has many symptoms; if you have the following you may be infected:

1. Large amount of primping, i.e. mousse in your hair despite the fact you live in a war zone.
2. Your forearms break out in tattoos, often tribal or USMC related
3. All your shirts are skintight "Under Armor" T-shirts
4. Have used, currently using or consider using steroids
5. Refer to yourself as a "Shooter" or "Operator for Blackwater"
6. Look down upon all other PSD teams that are NOT on the Ambassadors Detail, to include other Blackwater employees.
7. Grow a beard to blend in with the locals, even though you are a 6ft tall blonde with a "Death before Dishonor tattoo.
8. Think the Palace pool is a good place to pickup chicks
9. Are arrogant and condescending to people with more experience, training and who make more money than you.
10. Forget that doing a mission that has been performed in the past by Tier 1 assets does not make you a Tier 1 asset.
11. Truly believe you look good in a Speedo
12. Despite the fact there are laundry facilities available you insist on wearing a dirty brown T-shirt with your blood type in black magic marker to work.
13. You wear a shmmagh as an ascot to fit in with the locals
14. Because you are a "High Speed-Low Drag" PSD guy you think long hair and an unkempt beard looks professional.
15. You are familiar with doing "high threat PSD with CAT team and Air assets".
16. Look puzzled when someone refers to the pool as a "Sausage Fest"
17. You carry a drop-leg holster, wear a Federal Agent Badge, flash bangs, 5 or more pistol mags, asp, handcuffs, surefire light , leatherman, on your belt and a Gerber mark II strapped to the outside of your boot, in the embassy complex.
18. Thursday night is your favorite night of the week.
19. A drunken, naked, Englishman has pissed on the air vents of you trailer
20. You have excellent kit.
21. When your advance goes out to the Red Zone, Army MPs secure your perimeter.
22. Believe by running Iraqis off the road you are winning their "hearts & minds".
23. Despite earning a six figure income you wear a ragged ball cap that has not ever been washed
24. Your 9 man PSD team consists of 34 men, 6 armored SUVs, 2 Army Stryker vehicles, an MP company, 2 "little birds" and 2 AH-64 gunships. With an AC-130 on call!
25. Your entire wardrobe can be purchased at Brigade Quartermasters.
26. You have a Blackhawk credit card.
27. You refer to Myock as "The Farm"
28. You know what color the boathouse at Hereford is.
29. The girls talk to you because you "make the big bucks"
30. You have a Bear paw tattoo
31. The most dangerous thing you have ever done is: PSD!
32. You blouse you Royal Robins 5.11 pants into your boots
33. Often email pictures of yourself in body armor, weapons and kit to all your friends, family and anybody that you have their email address.
34. Believe people really give a shit about seeing multiple pictures of you in your body armor, weapons and kit.
35. If you have ever gotten drunk and pointed loaded weapon at your best friend and thought it" was FUN!"
36. You demonstrated your "quick draw" technique to your girlfriend.
37. You have been seen wearing a black boonie hat, black shirt, black pants, black boots, black body armor, black ammo pouches and a MP5…in a desert environment when its 110 degrees
38. You refer to yourself as a "rock n' roll mercenary"
39. Despite having tons of assets-you have not left the Green Zone since July.
40. As it has gotten colder instead of wearing a long sleeve shirt, you wear long underwear with a short sleeve golf shirt. But the golf shirt has your company logo on it.
41. You have ridden a bicycle off the diving board into a swimming pool and thought you were impressing people.
42. You spray paint your M4 into a desert camo pattern, though you only operate in a urban envoirment
43. A MP5 is your primary weapon
44. All your T-shirts have a police, military, weapon, or SWAT school logo on them
45. Chasing Palace pussy is more important than your job performance
46. A chap from CRG has had to give you a lesson in manners, after you pushed him out of your principles way. Even though the lad had already stepped aside.
Cures for Blackwater Fever:

1. Sit down, remain calm. Eat a slice of humble pie.
2. The lads you pissed off yesterday are the ones that will come to your aid in a firefight tomorrow. Remember we are all on the same side.
3. Get a proper haircut, shave and treat other personal as you want to be treated. Don't let your ego get bigger than your hat size.
4. Carry your self as a Silent Professional.
5. Learn to laugh at your self.

Comments

[kelley b.]

Nice catch, and nice blog.

These highly qualified individuals will doubtless find employment security under future Republican administrations, where a good Storm Trooper will always come in handy.

[Rob F.]

Or those storm troopers will be handy when the radical, Islamic fundamentalists decide to clothe you in an orange jumpsuit and parade you around on the internet just before they saw your head off. The French thought the same thing about Hitler until the Germans started marching down the Champs Elysees because they like the shade.

[R J Hillhouse]

Actually, private military corporations are going to be around and active regardless of a Republican or Democratic administration. The Pentagon and others have found them quite useful and effective in current conflicts. Among other things, they provide a flexibility the regular military doesn't.

Storm Troopers they're not. Most of them are decent guys trying to make some money to support their families and get ahead, using the skills they've learned in the military where they were grossly underpaid.

That many are quite full of themselves with "Blackwater Fever" is quite another story...

[Chris Abraham]

Since when did merc culture map to gay culture? Very odd. Mousse? Skin-tight shirts? Speedos? This has totally redefined my concept of "flash bangs."

"I don't think he will ever call me again. I think he was using a false name."

Ha ha.

That said, I guess you can always pass all of that off as "boys will be boys" etc...

[Drunk Englishman]

You forgot to mention about their getting oiled up for beardy tough guy man-wrestling in lycra. They did this up in Mosul.
Also you missed that they can't physically turn their heads around without turning their whole torsos, and that they carry invisible rolls of carpet under each arm.

Apart from that, spot on pal!

[AJS]

Yep...that all sounds about right!

Biggest bunch of clowns and idiots ever to grace the PSD arena..........walter mittys!!!!

Surprised by the lack of Oakleys being mentioned, as we all know that they transform the monkey wearing them into a Bullet Proof Terminator type!!

[funny man]

im getting a word..............its coming to me..........NONCE
Just think of the work you can do when you get home lads
'CAN I HAVE FRIES WITH THAT.'
or you could make a living telling everyone your war stories...do you know that people think you are a joke.