The Ultimate Survivor: Merc TV

 

You've seen Survivor, Fear Factor and maybe even that Fox's Unanimous where contestants were locked in an underground bunker together, but this one reaches a new level, even for reality TV.  Yesterday I was contacted by a Hollywood production company that's looking for, "qualified mercenaries (soldiers of fortune, former military special ops, black ops, or CIA)" for a new reality TV series.

Qualified mercenaries--as opposed to unqualified???!!!

What are they going to do, all kill each other and see who really earns the title of the "Ultimate Survivor?"  The production company's email gave no hint as to the storyline/objective or whatever the heck reality TV has and my response went unanswered, so we're left to speculation.  I can image the opening credits with the players stacked up at a door, someone gives the signal, they breech and within seconds, everyone's dead.. Show's over.  Or perhaps to stretch things out, they're split into sniper teams to stalk and "eliminate" the other teams...And the real problem will be getting the spies on camera--they'll infiltrate the production crews, caterers and the director will just think they're no-shows.  Sure, it'll look like the mercs all killed each other, but some guy posing as a production assistant will be smiling inside, though his face will never show it.

In case you want to play in the celluloid sandbox, here's what to do:

submit a two minute video tape telling us about yourself, what brought you into this line of work. Why you like this type of work, what type of training you have had.  Please state highlights in your careers and why you should be chosen for the show.  Also included with the video packet submission: photos, contact information, and photos.  Please send submission to:

DARK OPS  

3940 Laurel Canyon Blvd 

P.O. Box 1146

Studio City, CA 91604

And I'd strongly encourage you to post it on YouTube and send me a clip.  I'll post all submissions routed my way.

The producers are going to have problems--to put it mildly.  The real operators cling to the shadows; they're not prime time kind of guys.  They're professional and their profession demands silence.  Those who are going to be attracted to this are the wannabes who will exaggerate and fabricate their backgrounds.  And they won't have to look far--it's easier to find CIA and SEAL knockoffs in Hollywood than it is to find fake Pradas.

I can just imagine the audition tapes:

FADE IN.  Man in a uniform of mixed origins--French Foreign Legion, US Navy and Army surplus--and holding an assault rifle.

"Hi, my name's Harlan Stubblefield, but call sign is GRIZZLY.  You can call me GRIZZLEY."  Man reaches toward camera.  "Damnit woman, is thing on?"  Fiddles with camera.  We see shots of the ceiling and of beer-filled mason jars and dogeared Soldier of Fortune magazines on the coffee table.  Camera refocuses.

Man clears throat.  "Hi, I'm GRIZZLY and I'm a merc.  It's been ten days since my last war.  Fightin' for fortune's kept me busier than a one-armed man in an ass-kicking contest.  I've even worked for the CI of A.  I was so deep under cover, hell, I didn't even know it..."

FADE TO BLACK.

And then there's the problem of the leading lady.  The world of professional operators, like it or not, is male.  I've only heard of one female member of a personal security detail in Baghdad (and one other who didn't last--boss' girlfriend.)  They'll have a better chance at finding a female spy.  Thanks to the White House, Valerie Plame is available...

P.S.  I invite you to leave your suggestions for the producers in the comments section.

UPDATE:  If anyone is deciding to permanently sit out the game and sending a tape to the show, I advise extreme caution.  I've been unable to locate a phone number and have checked with a major Hollywood agency and they have no record of this company and if there's a legit production company to sell rights to, these guys know about it.  The address is also suspicious. 

Comments

[Barrie]

I am speechless. I knew that there were a lot of idiots in Hollywood, I've lived here long enough, but this just had my jaw on the floor. But then again, I thought no one would produce a badly written show about Paparazzi either...

[Stephen Blackmoore]

I've been waiting for this to happen. It was inevitable.

Unfortunately, it'll likely be done in some kind of tongue and cheek way with celebrities, out of shape actors and stripper/ingenues from Kansas whose real talents are on the casting couch.

As long as there's gunfire I'll be happy.

[Mr. Dave]

First episode should put the "real" mercs through the standard end-of-basic PT test. Watching a bunch of “real” mercs gasping and wheezing their way through a run sounds like fun to me. Oh yeah and after that they can spend some time on a known distance range with standard issue weapons. I'm betting that most applicant’s weapons knowledge is confined to the abstract (i.e. entirely from soldier of fortune/Tom Clancy).

As funny as it might be to see a bunch of wannabes fail a basic run and blow a weapons test - I think it would be MORE entertaining to watch people who WANT to be spies/spec ops get put through a stripped down crash course...

The British had a show that followed contestants who wanted to be spies through some general training and mock scenarios. We called it "Amateur Hour" and it was hilarious. Complete with one Bond-to-be running his car battery dead while using his vehicle as an OP.

So I say they intentionally recruit wannabes. Because it'll be far more entertaining than the real thing and, just like you said, that's what they'll get anyway.

[vanmojo]

There was something similar to this a couple of years ago on USA Network, called "Combat Missions", I think, which was vaguely entertaining.

The idea was they got a bunch of former SEALS, Green Beenies, Rangers, a couple of guys who claimed they were "CIA Black Operators" and some big city SWAT officers...

They broke the guys into teams and then there were two parts to each show. First, there was the training exercise, like an obstacle course, or a shooting range, and they would get scores for how well they did.

Then the second part they would do some sort of set piece combat scenario, like hostage rescue or ambush...

Then at the end, the team with the lowest score had to space one of their guys out the airlock.

Funny thing, when it was all said and done, the SEALS and other mil types were uniformly in good shape and ran rings around the cops.

The cops beat their asses in the combat scenarios; they were uniformly better shots, they didn't wax friendlies (a big problems with the SEAL guys), and were better able to adapt to a chaotic operating environment.

They would routinely throw a hitch into the scenario at some point... more opposition, an extraction goes wrong, etc...

The two finalists were a SWAT guy from Miami, and a SWAT guy from Dallas, I think...

So maybe it's something like this, however, I do like the idea of seeing some Jabba-The-Hut size wannabees who think they're Wild Bill Donovan wheeze and hack their way through a combat course...

I wonder if they'll do live fire... that'll be a hoot...

mojo sends

[AndyC]

The point of being a contractor is to deliver your cargo safely from point A to point B, ideally unnoticed and preferably with no shots fired. I wonder how they're going to replicate that atmosphere in a television show - especially when, if one has done one's job right, nothing exciting happens.

People - contractors or civilians - become so fixated with the weaponry that they forget that we're simply UPS with guns; that's it.

[R J Hillhouse]

>UPS with guns.

And trunk monkeys!

[grafikerler]

I love merc tv They makes nice programs